The long and short of life lately.

I often feel like I have to have something profound to say before I can post. There's so much going on in my head right now, and none of it seems to make much sense...or rather...I postpone writing because I tell myself I don't have the time to sift through what's going on. And that's ridiculous. Furthermore, there have been times when I see in others the importance of making time to think in a focused fashion about situations that are difficult or uncomfortable. I see the detrimental effects of not doing so. Then...

Why is it so hard to pick through my own thoughts?

God is dealing with me on a lot of levels lately. Just when I think I've grown so much and painfully humbled myself to the lesson of my current season. Just when I think I can finally pat myself on the back for my good listening to him and relax into thinking I'm a pretty darn wonderful person...something ugly inside me rears its ugly head for pruning and transformation. I'm glad beyond words that God is faithful to keep working on me, but that doesn't mean I perpetually enjoy the revelations of the parts of me that aren't as wonderful as I'd like to think.

Delusions can be nice for a time.

But I don't ever want to stagnate...in my life, learning, relationships with others...and above ALL my relationship with my God. I think that's one of my greatest fears: stagnation, satisfaction with the status quo.

Work: I dread it. I'm overwhelmed. I'm not being faithful, productive, or diligent. I feel frustrated, incompetent, and wonder sometimes whether I've been deluding myself all these years of my "intelligence." I feel like God is getting at something big in there, but I don't know (or I won't choose to know) what root he's tweaking that's causing me pain. I need Him to help me figure it out though, or I'm setting up a self-fulfilling prophesy for self-destruction.

Relationships: There is grace (thankfully). Some pain and consequences of choices. But God is putting all the pieces back into place the way He wants them to be. And I am awestruck at where he's brought me. My prayer is that as God prepared Eve for Adam, so He would work in my heart to prepare me to be the partner of the man for whom I was designed. I feel like He's got a lot of work, but if He's not discouraged...I won't be either.

House: There is Love, Grace, Growth, Community, Family, and God weaving us all together in marvelous ways I could never have imagined.

Service: I'm leaving for Mexico tomorrow night for my medical mission. I've scarcely had time to think about it, much less prayerfully prepare myself the way I envisioned. I am deeply hungering new revelations, dreams, visions, relationships, inspirations, and above all...to be a vessel of God's unconditional, life-transforming love to the people we serve.

Be still my soul, The Lord is on thy side.